Jerks like rules. Rules like speed limits. Jerks don’t like noticing things. Noticing things like the fact that synchronized traffic lights are most often timed to 5 km/h above the posted speed limit.

Despite the fact that jerks abhor deductive reasoning, it follows that jerks prefer not to take advantage of the benefits synchronized traffic lights provide, and pride themselves on freeing the drivers in following cars from the burden of these benefits as well.

Jerks link to photos that make the inner child of people who grew up watching Sesame Street die, just a little.

Jerks write partial drafts about phlegm and flat (packed with crack) stairwells, but do not post them for other jerks to enjoy. The true travesty of this characteristic behaviour of jerks is that it robs the world of quintessential examples of the jerk ethic.

Jerks profess to the world that they think technology is evil and that they don’t trust facebook further than they could thrown it, and then email their phone numbers to friends and then say “pass this on to so and so” and then get upset when so and so doesn’t call.

Jerks go to Australia. They stay there and have grand times, providing regular proof in the medium of themed Facebook photo galleries.

This is Scott. He is a jerk. He has developed some mad beach surfing skillz.

Jerks laugh at great length at people who misunderstand common abbreviated words — like the engineering physics major who upon hearing “Yes, I’ll meet you after poly sci” says “Polymer science?” — and then ask the girl who just admitted to crushing on a bio-boy what his study of biology has to do with anything.

Earth day? What the hell kind of dysfunctional hippie commune have we created here?

Granted The Sass can do no wrong, but it feels to this jerk like we’re getting away from the original intent of this vibrant and relevant ressource d’Internet. That intent being, possibly unarticulated until now, to identify, incubate, support and promote jerkiness throughout the universe¹.

And so with that new found focus, a new-found (and likely tenuous and patchily implemented²) format: The Big Jerky How-To. Commentary on how to get the most jerk out of your day to day existence.

With a new focus and a new format should come a brand new layout. This is one of those things (I still can’t bring myself to type the word) were the medium, comoditized as it is, is assigned significantly more significance³ than the message. A deadly mix of laziness and talentlessness⁴ prevents this. Are you over it?