Jerks ruin childhoods past and future by giving slutty makeovers to beloved fictional characters. They call these makeovers “fruit-forward,” apparently code for killing off beloved pet kitties named Custard in favour of cell phones and supplanting glorious bloomers with high-waisted formal shorts. Jerks also provide hair extensions and freckle erasure in an effort to ensure that today’s prostitots can “relate to” said beloved fictional characters.

Cause, you know, when I was a little girl, living in a berry patch with no adults and spending my days tryin to foil a villainous pie man with the help of my friend THE SUN, those bloomers were really a REFLECTION OF MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE. So clearly I should just get with the times and accept that little girls have it a bit different these days…

Yes, pointing out errors in grammar is petty. Yes, it does not make up for days of silence. But this is not an ideal world we live in.

During a little bit of actual work this morning I came across this:

The marketing hype of a site that outsources bookings for facilities in health clubs and the like. You know… business’s. BUSINESS’S. I think the thing that got me was that it was a header image. There’s something about rasterizing text that calls for a higher standard of quality in my (addled) mind.

Have we really not reached the point in this technological revolution where there can be one machine that I put my clothes into at night, to wake up to perfectly clean and perfectly dry duds to get on with my day in? (In which to get on with my day.) Also, it should include a robot that folds and hangs.

40 Secrets About You.
Be honest no matter what.
(These are the instructions, I gather. Heavy stuff.)

[One] Who were your last 3 texts from?
Simon LeJerk, S. LeJerk, Simon L.

[Two] Where was your default picture taken?
I like peaches

[Three] What’s your middle name?
Longfellow

[Four] Your current relationship status?
With a middle name like Longfellow, I think one could easily predict my relationship status.

[Five] Does your crush like you back?
Remember that movie ‘The Crush’? I heard that there is a big fiasco associated with how her name was originally Darian and then they changed it to Adrian when it was edited for tv.  Lawsuits ruin everything and make the Dread Pirate Roberts sad.

[Six] What is your current mood?
Pensive and I’d like to note that my ankles are a little warm.

[Seven] What’s your mom’s middle name?
Hortense

[Eight] What color shirt are you wearing?
Its sorta mauve. However, it is a check pattern and contains some blue elements as well. These questions imply that we should all be wearing solid coloured shirts, and that’s just wrong.

[Nine] Are you horny?
I should have also read this quiz before doing it at work.

By ‘it’, I mean the quiz.

 Rushrooms

 [ten] If you could go back in time and change something, would you?
I would stop people from saving Hitler’s brain and then also buy a hoverboard.

[Eleven] Where was the last place out of town, that you went to?
Out of any town? I don’t get it. There are very few areas to go in this area that are classified below the population level that would warrant the designation of anything smaller than a town. I have not travelled to any villages and/or hamlets as of late. Silly quiz.

[Twelve] Ever had a near death experience?
I saw Cabin Boy once.

[Thirteen] Something you do a lot?
Hoverboarding

[Fourteen] Do you have a fondness for gnomes?
The human gnomes project is fascinating.

[Fifteen] Who can you tell anything to?
Any jerk

[Sixteen] Name someone with the same birthday as you?
Oddly enough, Captain Kangaroo

[Seventeen] When was the last time you cried?
When Jesus died

[Eighteen] Where are you right now?
At ‘work’

[Nineteen] If you could have one super power what would it be?
Acrobatic ability and long fingernails

[Twenty] What’s the first thing you notice about the opposite/same sex?
Cooties

[Twenty-one] Who is your favorite celebrity train wreck?
The Orient Express

[Twenty-two] What is a theory that you believe in?
P + N = Z

Measure twice, cut once. 

[Twenty-three] Favorite color?
Chartreuse

[Twenty-four] What is one thing that annoys you on TV?
Scrambled pornography

[Twenty-five] do you still like kiddy movies?
Simon’s right, this does sound dirty.

[Twenty-seven] Do you speak any other language?
atin lay, ig pay

[Twenty-eight] What’s your favorite smell?
Napalm

[Twenty-nine] Describe your life in one word?
Vitriolic

[Thirty] Have any tattoos?
A battleship on my chest and an anchor on my forearm

[Thirty-One] What are you looking forward to the most?
The end of the quiz

[Thirty-two] What are you thinking about right now?
That ‘broad beans’ spelt backwards is ’snaeb daorb’.

 Crazy

[Thirty-three] What should you be doing?
Planting trees and saving whales…or maybe planting whales and saving trees. We’ll see. I suppose I could also be working.

[Thirty-four] Who was the last person that made you upset/angry?
Pierre Trudeau

[Thirty-five] What are you listening to?
‘The Night Chicago Died’ by Paper Lace

[Thirty-six] Do you like working in the yard?
If I had a yard, I might.

[Thirty-seven] What color are your nails?
Seductive Silver

[Thirty-eight] Do you act differently around the person you like?
Nah, I still suck around them too.

[Thirty-nine] What is your natural hair color? 

See answer to question 34

[Fourty] Why did you cry the last time you did?
Because Bambi’s mother died.

Scrabulous or not, my hatred for facebook applications burns eternal.

I thought you should know.

Pirate bite.

I wasn’t lying.

November is national novel writing month. (Or NaNoWriMo in let’s abbreviate absolutely everything world. Hooks the opes, obvs.) Because The Internet says so. I don’t think there is a standards body for designating months for things, and November is probably the month for lots of junk. But one piece of that large junk pile is thousands of people trying to write a 50,000 word “novel” (novella they say, but that sounds gay) before midnight on the 30th.

OMG, how unreasonably infeasible! Anyone want to do it with me?