40 Secrets About You.
Be honest no matter what.
(These are the instructions, I gather. Heavy stuff.)

[One] Who were your last 3 texts from?
Prentice Hall, Morgan Kaufmann and Saunders College Publishing. Or did you want the authors’ names?

[Two] Where was your default picture taken?
I don’t believe I have a picture that failed to fulfill an obligation, was assigned automatically by an operating system or exists by virtue of the absence of active intervention. Sorry?

[Three] What’s your middle name?
Safety-Danger

[Four] Your current relationship status?
A question mark does not make a sentence fragment into a question. And you didn’t specify which relationship. This quiz is hard.

[Five] Does your crush like you back?
I am quite sure that nobody likes me. I believe that is enough information for you to arrive at a reasonably reliable answer to that question on your own.

[Six] What is your current mood?
Facebooky. Or captious, if you won’t accept made up words.

[Seven] What’s your mom’s middle name?
Dot.

[Eight] What color shirt are you wearing?
I believe that question is supposed to come with heavy breathing. The shirt has many colours. Is this a trick question? Should I take it off?

[Nine] Are you horny?
I should have read this quiz before I started answering it.

[ten] If you could go back in time and change something, would you?
I would tell the person who wrote this quiz to capitalize the ‘t’ in ‘[ten]‘ because consistency is very important. And I would hope that doing so wouldn’t cause some me-obliterating paradox. And I would bring a sports almanac back in time with me and give it to my younger self so that my today self could afford a hoverboard.

[Eleven] Where was the last place out of town, that you went to?
The placement of that comma is suspect. It’s so bad it’s distracted my from the grody placement of that preposition. The answer is Toronto, but I will attempt to phrase it in a way that matches the awkwardness of the question. “Toronto, that place that you asked about, was.”

[Twelve] Ever had a near death experience?
Every time I log onto facebook and have no wall notifications. A.K.A. every time I log onto facebook.

[Thirteen] Something you do a lot?
Refer to the answer to question four.

[Fourteen] Do you have a fondness for gnomes?
I am a gnomeophobe.

[Fifteen] Who can you tell anything to?
Everyone?

[Sixteen] Name someone with the same birthday as you?
I am, strangely, the only person ever born on the 8th of April. Your questions assume too much, and quite frankly show you to be remarkably insensitive to potentially painful personal issues.

[Seventeen] When was the last time you cried?
All-hands strategy meeting at work this morning.

[Eighteen] Where are you right now?
Behind you.

[Nineteen] If you could have one super power what would it be?
The ability to resist answering internet quizzes.

[Twenty] What’s the first thing you notice about the opposite/same sex?
Opposite: That they’re not men. It is also the last thing I notice.
Same: Uh… his soul?

[Twenty-one] Who is your favorite celebrity train wreck?
Myself. (Refer to The Nature of Things with David Suzuki, Season 19, Episode 8 for my celebrity bona fides.)

[Twenty-two] What is a theory that you believe in?
Everything always works out perfectly.

[Twenty-three] Favorite color?
I know it just seems like nitpicking but you’re going to have to learn to ask a question properly if you ever expect to be taken seriously. I criticize because I care. (About entertaining myself through criticism of others.) “BLUE, MUTHAFUCKA!”, to answer your “question”.

[Twenty-four] What is one thing that annoys you on TV?
There’s nothing on my TV. Literally or figuratively. It is clean and blank.

[Twenty-five] do you still like kiddy movies?
That’s disgusting.

[Twenty-seven] Do you speak any other language?
Java, Perl and C, but only to get beaten up. What’s up with the lack of a [Twenty-six]?

[Twenty-eight] What’s your favorite smell?
Chicken bacon.

[Twenty-nine] Describe your life in one word?
No.

[Thirty] Have any tattoos?
I do not, on account of a chronic inability to like any one thing for more than, say, 72 hours.

[Thirty-One] What are you looking forward to the most?
Madonna Party Hotel Party Frans Party Party Party Party.

[Thirty-two] What are you thinking about right now?
That I should have counted how many questions were in this quiz, in addition to reading it, before starting to answer it.

[Thirty-three] What should you be doing?
Making the world a better place.

[Thirty-four] Who was the last person that made you upset/angry?
Avril, when she made fun of the size of my 21st digit. In the dream I had last night. Which almost caused me to cancel my non-refundable hotel room for the weekend in outrage before realizing it was just a dream.

[Thirty-five] What are you listening to?
Computer fans. One hand clapping. My life ticking slowly by. The voices in my head. The voices in your head.

[Thirty-six] Do you like working in the yard?
I raked all the leaves in my front yard on the weekend and it was awesome. But one look at the back yard says: no.

[Thirty-seven] What color are your nails?
Nail colour.

[Thirty-eight] Do you act differently around the person you like?
No, I’m always that embarrassingly artless and maladroit.

[Thirty-nine] What is your natural hair color?
Bleach blond.

[Fourty] Why did you cry the last time you did?
Just now because the quiz was over.

Hey look, here’s something funny. Maybe by reading it here, you’ll consider me funny by association.

(You have to click on it.)

A+
Done and done.

Duuude. They make houses now.

Yes, Ikea is truely the happiest place on earth. If you are fully indoctrinated into a consumer culture. And you move into rez in three days. And you’ve boosted your parent’s credit card. And have the signature well practiced. And a friend with a RAV4 waiting in the super-convenient register-adjacent parking area. Thank the good Gods of self-destructing furniture, all these things have been true for me at one time or another.

And while it’s true any of us in the Nintendo generation might benefit from a strategy guide to navigate the average day at Ikealand (And I’ll swear it’s just because people have somehow been raised without either the skill or disposition to follow the direction of large arrows on the ground. How do these people function? I imagine them at the zoo, wandering in circles and oblivious to the rhino hooves painted underfoot, crying “Where are the damn rhinos?”) there is simply nothing in this world that a rattan basket and plate full of meatballs can’t make better.

This message approved by the Committee to Entertain The Littlest McJerken.

Posts with pictures are better. But I couldn’t come up with a picture for that last one. So here is a picture. Imagine something good to go with it.

F