A bunny lives in the parking lot behind the building I work in. I have seen him many times. I want to catch him and take him home and feed him lettuce and timothy hay. Today I almost ran over him because he was sitting in the middle of the driveway. Perhaps I would not be a good mother.

Jerks will tell you “You can take your 1″-button-maker- sold-on-ebay-for-$375 and shove it… facebook status is the new button.” (And sitting at home refreshing is the new walking around town.)

A jerk will assume — since sweating is basically a shower from the inside out — that a person who takes a shower and then rides a bike for 10km and a person who just hops on the bike and rides the same distance will be pretty much equally clean (relatively if not absolutely) at the end of the experiment. This explains why jerks skip the shower step.

Jerks who don’t partake in keg stands before the kegs are gone are jerks who don’t have what it takes to man up and stick with the night. These are jerks who miss out on damaging knees and destroying pants getting over the fence at the public pool at 3am to partake in the astonishing menagerie of disparate and intrinsically incompatible social subcultures coming together peacefully in the innocent joy of illicit night swimming.

Intellectual snob jerks dismissively characterize entire tracts of your existence with sublime off-the-cuff remarks like “the whole thing was a big gong show” and remind you that it takes one to know one, and opposites may attract but shared intellectual snobbery is the only bond you can build a life around.

Jerks wait until you’ve been awake for 30 hours, you smell like an ashtray dropped into a campfire, you can’t sit up straight under your own power, you’re mediating a battle between three hangovers and you’re in the back seat of a car to salvation to ask you “Do you think the pope masturbates?”

Your average jerky portable power source will give up on a karaoke marathon far sooner than your average jerk will.

Jerks can’t detect sarcasm and love a good answer, ‘good’ being defined as ‘containing the sound of his/her own voice’.

How do you come up with this stuff?
For the most part it happens to me. This is more of a transcription exercise than a creative one.

Seriously what’s your process?
I go to work. I get bored at work. I think about something that happened that highlighted how best to be a jerk. I write about it in an artless way. Half way through I get sad that the execution pales in comparison to my original expectations. I go to Google Image Search or flickr to try to find an image that will distract the three people who read Jerk Spot from this appalling lack of quality. Depending on the level of boredom and how close it is to lunch I repeat the process up to seven times.

Do you write it down?
I type it down.

Do you use a pen?
Pens do not enter into the equation. Though I can foresee future jerky exemplars that would involve ways of being a jerk in relation to or with the assistance of a pen, which would prove this answer to be a lie.

Pencil?
I used a pencil earlier today and it was stubby like a mini golf pencil and filled me with warm feelings of nostalgia, but it was too much like playing World of Warcraft on an Apple II so I quickly gave up on it. I was only making checkmarks, I was not writing full letters, words, paragraphs or theses.

Where do you keep your pencils?
In the desk drawers and pencil cups that belong to my work colleagues. In grade 2 my teacher had a wooden porcupine designed to hold pencils between its unnaturally evenly spaced quills, and I coveted it.

Do you buy new ones or steal them from hotels and ikeas?
They seem to simply reproduce in the desk drawers and pencil cups that belong to my work colleagues, with little to no intervention on my part. Only three days ago I was discussing with someone my shock and sorrow at realizing I had not been to an Ikea in upwards of twelve months. Perhaps the next time I go I will clear out all the pencils and spread them around the desks and various cups of my work colleagues. As for hotels, I have only visited those that provide pens.

Do you even have a bike?
Yes, I do.

Why do you bother locking your bike up?
In grade five an older boy visited our school and during third period while we were all in class he used a wrench that he had brought with him to remove and steal the wheels off my BMX bike, making it exceedingly difficult to ride home that evening.

Are you afraid karma will come knocking for all the pencil theft?
It is the single, terrifying reason that I dust my china daily and always keep a modest selection of fine tea and fancy biscuits on hand while at home.

I need to know more!
And now you do.

Average jerks don’t realize that when you RSVP it goes to the event wall for the world to see, not just the person that originally sent them the invite.

Mega jerks know this and go out of their way to let all 1,293 people know that they can’t come see the show because they’re dog sitting in Cornwall.

Tommorow’s HTBAJ: Shrink Your Pet Peeves, Best Practices and Entire World To Encompass Only Facebook.

Mini jerks ask all sorts of inane and unsolicited questions about where you’re going and where you’re parking your bike and why you’re locking up your seat and why you’re walking up that fire escape and what apartment you’re going to and if you live there and if you knew that their dad used to live in that apartment before the current tenant.

Mega jerks get disproportionately and irrationally angry when subjected to this form of questioning, feeling suddenly like they have been saddled with the task of facilitating the youthful questioner’s life-long journey of understanding the world around them, and consequently overburdened with that responsibility. The difference between a jerk and a mega jerk is whether a bicycle is thrown in anger prior to the inevitable realization that one can just pretend the questioner isn’t there and the questions aren’t being asked with little to no appreciable change in overall outcome.